Anguish.

It's not that hard to figure out how life plays with you sometimes. How, more often than not, things unexpected can disrupt the entire pattern of your ever-so monotonous existence. While some may welcome it lovingly with open arms, others seem to run away from it because sudden change scares them.

I fell in love. Unexpectedly.

And while love is a common and but-oh-so-natural thing for me, this is one I've never encountered. I'm in love with someone, whose heart belongs to someone else. It's been with that someone else for 5 long years to be exact.

I cannot put to words how and why it happened. It was as if the universe conspired to bring us together but only to remain anything BUT lovers. It's cruel, but it's life. It's unfair but there's little we could do. It's that little voice telling you to let go and move on, move forward, but it's much harder than you people might think. How could you let go of something or someone that could make you happy? That has made you happier than you've ever been. When you thought you've forgotten what happiness was until it was shown to you in all its glory and beauty. How?

When you know deep in your heart and soul that that person is the one you were destined to be with. But you know he will never choose you. And that you ache every time you hear reality knocking. You cry and laugh the next minute because you know you'd rather be with him now than not to be without him at all.

That you're willing to be a doormat or a loyal dog, waiting for his beg and call.

That you feel foolish because you deserve more than this but still you cannot let go because in your 27 years of existence, this is probably the best thing that ever happened to you.

And that it scares the sh*t out you that you will lose this battle, when you know for a fact there wasn't even a contest. You keep telling yourself, 'enjoy the moment and don't think about the future.' But I do think about the future and I picture him in it.

But I don't want to be 'that' person.

So how do you say goodbye to happiness when for as long as you could remember it was all you asked for?

And he gave it to you.

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo